By Diana Kirke

Most expectant parents, especially women, are drawn to read birth stories or watch birth videos online during pregnancy. Some of us feel compelled to watch as many videos and read as many stories as possible…I know I did!

Birth stories and videos can be really useful- they can help us understand the range of normal emotions and experiences in birth. They can help us see what is possible in birth, and encounter new perspectives. They can help inspire confidence and a feeling of connection with other parents. On the other hand, the way we go about reading or watching can leave us with unrealistic expectations, or reinforce internal rules (“I must do/be x in birth”) and formulas (“She did x and the result was y, therefore if I do x, the result will be y”). Sometimes, we can end up feeling more worried, isolated or overwhelmed than we did before.   

Children are now being taught how to use critical thinking while watching TV and reading, to combat the effects of advertising and media bias. I’m not for a minute suggesting birth stories involve either, but all the information we take in has an effect on us, whether we like it or not—especially when we’re tired, emotionally vulnerable, or not paying much attention to our inner experience (say, when we’re heavily pregnant, staring at a computer screen at 1am…sound familiar?).

So here’s a primer that will help you get the most out of the birth stories you read and watch.  

Before you begin, check in with your body and emotions. Are you tired, stressed, or hungry? Is watching another birth video, or reading another story what you most need at the moment?  

Ask yourself what you are seeking by reading or watching. There are many reasons we are drawn to other people’s birth stories, for example seeking to reassure ourselves that we have made the right choices, that we will cope, or that our birth plans will work out, craving community to share in our excitement or wonder, wanting to learn birth inside out to increase our coping options or our sense of control over the process, trying to decode why a previous birth unfolded the way it did, needing to feel less alone in our experience or beliefs, looking for strategies to deal with a particular pregnancy or postpartum complication, or a thousand other reasons. All of these are very normal needs on a birth journey. Once you’re aware of what you’re looking for, you can brainstorm other ways to address your need.

(How about a women’s or men’s circle [start one if necessary!], prenatal classes, birth art, a walk in nature, one-on-one support from a doula, a novel featuring birth, an uninterrupted talk with a trusted friend or partner, meditation, a conversation with your unborn baby, a frank list of questions for your doctor or midwife, or a debriefing session with a professional…)    

Notice what you pay attention to, and what you skim over or avoid. Which stories and videos do you choose, and which do you avoid? Which parts do you gloss over, or mentally disregard, and which do you grab onto and remember? We all naturally, and unconsciously, translate what we see and hear to match our expectations and beliefs. This can help us to zone in on what's relevant to us, but it can also direct us away from what's challenging or unpredictable. Ask yourself, with compassion, what your ‘selection criteria’ are; the answers will help you to better understand your fears, hopes, and unconscious beliefs. 

Monitor your physical, emotional and mental responses. Did the story or video leave you with tears; tension; a surge of confidence or an urge to run? Do you feel comforted; panicked; inspired; hopeless; certain; angry; connected...? Are you shouting at the screen or making silent promises to yourself? Track your responses back to their source. Knowing oneself is a vital part of birth preparation.

Ask yourself if you feel the author (or video editor) censored their feelings or experience. What might their reasons have been? (Usually you won’t know the person, but your intuition can tell you a great deal.)

Remember that this story or video is simply a slice of one person's unique experience of birth. There are millions upon millions of birth stories in the world and none of them is yours. After you finish reading or watching, take a moment to reflect on what you have learned or gained from this particular birth story. Note down any useful information or insights.

And before you go on to the next one, stand up, stretch your body, and make yourself a cuppa!

Did you read a birth story or watch a birth video that you found particularly powerful (either positively or negatively) during or after pregnancy? Why was it so powerful for you? Add your comments below.

By Diana Kirke

When we are expecting a new baby, especially if it’s our first, we tend to focus so hard on birth that we miss the new life lying beyond it. Birth itself marks not only your baby’s birth but your birth as a parent. What can you do now, to help smooth your path into this new world? 

This list is not intended to scare you. You will absolutely find your way through new parenthood, but it can be helpful to encourage yourself to think about different ways to prepare yourself.  

As with the Birth Questions for the Seeker, take your time. Pick one question and chew on it, slowly and with compassion. If you feel overwhelmed, focus on choosing one small, practical thing that you will do in relation to the question. Then come back to each a few times before your baby is born.

What are my parenting priorities? If not all goes to plan, what’s most important? What conditions or resources will those priorities require (time, physical environment, family/friend involvement, research, etc.) and how can I go about getting those conditions in place? What would it mean about me if I were forced to change, or let go of, particular priorities?   

What aspects of the way I was parented (either by my actual parents or other important adults in my life) would I like to pass on, and what would I like to let go of? In what ways will I be an amazing parent?

How will I go about acknowledging and remembering the sublime, wonderful moments of new parenthood? How will I celebrate my successes and lessons learnt?

What support services are available in my area for new mums, new dads, breastfeeding, learning infant cues, postnatal depression, birth debriefing, postnatal exercise, socialising, household help, family dynamics, childcare/family dynamics (if you have other children)? You may not need them…but you may.

If I had absolutely no money, in what ways would I prepare for parenthood?

How much exposure have I had to what parents actually do (as opposed to what aunties, uncles, friends, and babysitters do)? How could I go about getting some ‘work experience’?  What would I really like to know about parenthood but never asked? Who will I ask?

What are my priorities for myself? What are the things that give me joy; bring me back to myself; keep me going? What steps can I take now to make sure they stay part my life, even if I have less time?

How are my relationships with friends and family likely to change when I am a parent? If I have older children, what can I do to help them prepare for the arrival of their new sibling?  

Can I love and accept myself even when I don’t live up to my own expectations? If not, how can I learn more compassion for myself? 

How do I normally react mentally, emotionally and physically to fatigue and stress? What supports or outlets have helped me cope in the past? How about my reaction to love and wonderful events? Is there anything I’d like to change about this reaction?

What parenting choices would I most like to avoid? What do I think of other parents who make those choices? What circumstances would lead me to be forced to make them? What would it mean about me/my baby if I did have to make them? Would it really?  

How do my partner and I usually interact when we are tired and/or stressed? Are we still able to work together, communicate well and appreciate each other? If not, how can we go about learning these skills?

Who, other than my partner, can I call on for help in the most challenging moments? If there isn’t anyone, what will I do now, before birth, to go about finding someone (preferably more than one)? What will it mean about me and/or about the person I ask if they are unable to help? What will help me to keep seeking support?  

By Diana Kirke

Most expectant parents recognise on some level that pregnancy and birth are powerful, transformative times. Many of them crave a deeper kind of birth preparation that what’s generally on offer in Western culture. I call them seekers, and this list of questions is for them.

They are not ‘quicky’ questions. I recommend you set aside some quiet time without distractions, pick one, and allow yourself to sink fully into it. Pay attention to the sensations in your body as you feel around within for answers. It may be challenging; keep going. Be compassionate and honest with yourself. Journal, or discuss it with your partner or trusted friend if that helps. Return to it as you approach birth, because your answers and awareness will change. If you find these questions useful, you might be interested in attending a Birthing From Within class near you.

If you have birthed before, what helped you feel most prepared? Please add as many 'cents' as you like in the comments...



What birth scenario or event would I most like to avoid? What, specifically, is scary about this possibility?... What would it mean about me, my child, or the world, if it did happen?... Would it really mean that?... Where does this belief come from?... What other belief is more true and/or helpful?... What needs to happen within or around me for me to feel prepared to cope with this undesired scenario? 

Where have I been (consciously and unconsciously) sourcing my knowledge about pregnancy, birth and parenthood? What other kinds of knowing can I access?

What would I really like to do during this pregnancy but have felt unable to? What’s stopping me? What’s the first step I will take, today, to enable me to do it? Who can I enlist for help? 

What am I assuming will definitely happen in my birth? What would it mean about me, my birth or my baby if these things didn’t happen? Would it really mean that? What’s more true than that?

What question would I really like to ask but have felt unable? What’s stopping me? Who would I ask this question of? Can I ask it for my baby’s sake? Who could I enlist for help?

How can I celebrate, or honour, my own journey to parenthood? What’s the first small step I’m going to take to do this?    

What are my birth priorities? If not everything goes to plan, what’s most important?

What did I learn early in my life about: birth; my body; my abilities; worthiness; authority; power; trust; pain; suffering; vulnerability; responsibility; coping; approval; wo/manhood; mother/fatherhood; family?... In what ways might these show up during birth?... Which of them are true and/or helpful?... Which are not?... What alternative beliefs are more true and/or helpful?

Am I treating myself and my baby with all the love, tenderness, nourishment, patience, and honesty we deserve? What’s the next small thing I will do, or let go of, in aid of this? Who could I enlist for help?

Do I have a person I trust to care for and believe in me during birth, other than my caregiver (who may not be there all the time) and my partner (who will also need support)? If not, who could I ask?

If I have birthed before, are there elements of a previous birth I still feel very emotional about, or 'stuck' on? Am I relying on this new birth to 'fix' those past experiences? Do I need some support to work through them?   

What do I need now, in this moment? (Ask this of yourself again and again and again.)

Coming soon… Parenthood Questions for the Seeker. 

By Diana Kirke

I thought I would begin the life of my blog with a post that has been brewing for some time. There is a lot of advice out there on things to buy for new parents, and to a lesser extent on practical ways to support them. But much of the journey of a new parent is within, and it can be difficult to know how to be an ally on this journey. Here are my tips. Though I have referred to mothers for ease of expression, these can equally apply to new fathers. Please feel free to share any ideas you have in the comments...

See her. Before you dive for the baby, take a few moments to really see the mother (or father). Notice the signs of the heroic journey she has travelled thus far, and continues to travel. See how her tired face; her altered manner; even her wild eyes, mark her as a warrior. This is the most profound transformation she will ever go through. See how her body embraces her baby and already responds instinctively to her baby’s needs; how she is changing to meet this challenge.  She is a parent now. She is powerful. Acknowledge her.

Nurture her. She is a warrior, but she is also a newborn herself. She needs safe space, time and energy to process her journey and learn to be a mother. Nurture her so she can nurture her baby. Ask her what would help. If she doesn’t know, suggest some options: “Would it help if I washed the dishes, cooked you a meal, came over for some company, or went home and gave you some space?” Let her know, as you would a newborn, that you’ll be there for her no matter what. She can be honest with you.

Honour her feelings. She needs to know that what she is feeling is OK—and it is*. If you tell her it’s not—generally any sentence starting with ‘you should’, ‘don’t’, ‘but’, or ‘at least’ falls into this category—she’ll still feel it but with added shame. Strong emotions cannot be controlled with rational thinking and they will not pass without acknowledgement. As Geneen Roth writes, “If you don’t let a feeling start, you don’t let it end.”  

Hear her. When she speaks, listen with more than your ears, to more than her words. Open up and let all your internal commentary fall away. In telling you about her experience or feelings, she is not necessarily asking for advice. If you do offer some, don’t assume it will work for her unique baby and situation: “Something I found helpful when I had a similar challenge was…” Let her know that you are listening, even though you don’t have the ‘answers’.

Hear yourself. Before you speak, ask yourself compassionately, “Why do I speak?” Are you speaking because you truly feel that what you say will help her on her journey, or because you can’t keep it in? Are you looking for reassurance? Chatting because you don’t know what else to say, or to fill a silence? Do you feel uncomfortable with her or her baby’s challenging feelings unless you can ‘fix’ them? Do you feel a need to express your own difficult feelings or experience? She undoubtedly cares about you, but at this moment she is busy taking care of her child and herself. She does not have the capacity to take care of you as well.  

Honour her birth story. If you were at her birth, know that her story and your story are completely different. Just as you would remember different scenes and experience different emotional reactions to a movie, you have your own story of her birth (whether you are her partner, family member, friend, or caregiver). The fact that her story doesn’t match yours doesn’t make either less true. Something you weren’t even aware of (the ticking of a clock; a caregiver’s tone of voice; a thought or feeling that rose within her) may have meant the world to her. Accept this, and if she does share her story with you (whether or not you were present at the birth), please don’t pass it on to others. It’s not yours to tell.

Honour your birth story. Your birth or new parenthood story deserves more than what she can give right now. If you feel a pressing need to tell your story (whether it’s your story of her birth, or your own birth or new parenthood story), it probably means you would benefit from outside support to process it. A counsellor, professional birth story healer, or even a non-judgemental friend can better support you.



*Normal feelings for new parents may include but are not limited to: Bliss, confusion, profound love, terror, amazement, overwhelm, joy, disappointment (in self, others, parenthood and/or birth), pride, anxiety, excitement, disconnection, connection, anger, gratitude, frustration, optimism, grief, wonder, shock, giddiness or exhaustion.

A note about postnatal depression: While not normal, postnatal depresseion is common and does not reflect on a parent’s worth, suitability or love. If you are concerned that a new mother (or father) may be depressed, gently ask her opinion: “I’m concerned that you may be experiencing some postnatal depression, for these reasons... What do you think?” Hear her response. If necessary, support her to get professional help from a GP, counsellor or psychologist, or for an afterhours mental health crisis call ACIS on 131465. For a list of symptoms of PND, see Beyond Blue or PANDA.